The Harvard Negotiation Project (HNP) is best known for their classic books on negotiation, Getting to Yes and Getting Past No. These books revolutionized negotiations and should be on the reading list of everyone.
But they recognized a problem with their win-win approach. It assumed that both parties were willing to talk to one another. This is not always the case. In response, HNP has published Difficult Conversations, How to Discuss What Matters Most.
They define a difficult conversations as those that we dread and find unpleasant. Note that this is a broader definition than the one put forth in my Crucial Conversations post, which focused on conversations where there was a difference of opinion, emotions were high, and resolution was important. HNP deals the with the importance factor when they state that the first step is to decide whether to confront or avoid the conversation.
Of course, their book takes the confront path. But, I love their statements that “delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade” and “there is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade”. “No matter how much you sugar coat it, someone is going to get hurt.” “Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging on to a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.”
HNP breaks the conversation into three questions.
First, the “What happened” conversation.
Who did what? Who is to blame? The other party is always the problem. This gets you nowhere. Resistance grows and conversation stops.
Instead, they focus on listening to the other party. Learn their story. They may have different information and interpret that information differently.
This parallels Crucial Conversations, where we were told to separate the observable facts from the story.
Then the HNP goes on to recommend that you use the “and stance” to reframe the story and begin to disentangle intent from impact. This again tracks with Crucial Conversations.
Next, avoid blame and shift the conversation to “contribution to the problem.”
Second, the Feelings Conversation
The feelings, emotions, are at the heart of any difficult conversation. The issue is not over until the feelings are resolved and resolution involves identification as a first step.
The feelings should be shared, by all parties. Don’t evaluate, Don’t rant. Just share. Acknowledge the feelings.
Third, the Identity Conversation
Difficult conversations often threaten the identity of both parties
- Am I competent?
- Am I a good person?
- Am I worth of love?
The authors recommend thinking about these questions beforehand and explicitly discussing them during the conversation.
They go into a lot more detail and discuss techniques in the second half of the book.
Here are some outlines and checklists.
The first is a Coaching Key…Difficult Conversations Checklist from the Northern Illinois University Human Relations Department. It lays out the steps in a simple manner.
The next is a Worksheet, also from NIU. It gives more detail and techniques.
The last one is a preparation worksheet. This is filled out when you know a difficult conversation will be held in the future and helps to develop the plan. It is from the Conflict Resolution Academy.